Another Valentine's Day has come and gone. Some of us caregivers are single at this time, and some of us are dating. As a caregiver, dating can be very challenging. I had an 18-year relationship that did not survive being a caregiver. I became single in 2019, and I have been trying ever since to figure out how to date and be a caregiver.
.jpeg)
Some of the challenges I've faced have been time and trying to find somebody who understands that I don’t have a lot of it. While I can care about and show interest in someone else, my priority is always going to be my mother. Not many people are okay with that. They want to be my number one focus. What they don't understand, though, is they are number one when I'm with them.
I recently jumped on some online dating sites to try and test the waters. There were a couple of people who asked me out, and I said yes. When it came time to go out, I often had emergencies that came up with mom. Then the one time that I didn't have an emergency that came up with mom, I thought to myself, “what if they ask me what I do in my free time?” I wouldn’t know how to answer. I have very limited free time: I’m a caregiver.
Dating someone who is a caregiver can be intimidating. For example, there was a relationship I was in where we made it past the first few dates and started dating. That lasted a little while until my mom went into the hospital at the same time my dad got sick and I went into caregiver mode. The next day the guy I was dating said, “I don’t need this kind of drama.” and promptly deleted me from his life. That diminished some of the hope I had for dating as a caregiver.
.jpeg)
When I start thinking about dating, I feel like people won't understand — just like I didn't understand before I was a caregiver. When my friends who cared for a loved one would say they didn't have time to hang out I didn’t get it.
Trying to find somebody who's going to be okay with you always being on call is tough as well. And then, of course, there's the whole confidence thing. We can be super confident in our everyday life, but then we go into a situation where we're caregiving and we can't fix what's going on with our loved ones. It affects our self-esteem. Try feeling like a strong, beautiful woman after spending a week in the hospital with your loved one, on limited sleep, only to learn nothing has gotten better for them. There is nothing more the hospital can do, and they send you home with the person you care for who now needs extra care because they are weak from a long hospital stay. And because they don't feel good, they’re probably going to be mean to you for the days to come once you've got them home…you get the picture. It is not an, “I feel pretty,” moment.
Then there is the balance we have to find between our personal life and life as a caregiver. (We do have some free time.) Say we’re getting ready for a date: everything's fine at first. We're trying to focus on fixing our hair, picking out an outfit, and listening to music. We're doing all these rituals to refocus our mind from all the things we're constantly thinking of like, “is mom going to be okay while I’m on this date?” or “how much time am I really going to have?” For those first couple of dates, we’re more than likely going to keep them short because we don't know what's going to happen — with them or with the person we care for while we’re away. Thinking clearly and being in the moment is not easy.
Dating has been brutal because I think about what it was like to go on dates before caregiving. You know that first date where you want to get dressed up or maybe buy a new outfit? Or you want to get your nails or toes done or buy a new lip gloss? Nowadays, it’s easy to talk myself out of treating myself to these little indulgences. “I don't have money for that kind of stuff anymore now that I'm a caregiver.” Then what if the date goes really well and we want to spend more time together. Do I have someone to cover care in a situation like that?
Okay, so let’s say the stars have aligned. I have someone to look after my mom. I look great and remember that I am still a beautiful, kickass woman. I show up for the dinner or coffee date, and I can't put my phone away. We all know it's kind of rude when you're on a date and you have your phone on the table. In this situation you need to explain to them, “I have to have it here in case of an emergency. I'm a caregiver; I'm always on call.”
People are generally looking for somebody who has space in their life for them. My life and managing mom's life as her caregiver is just really busy. A lot of the time. I am more than happy to make space in my life for someone special, but I am a bit more selective about who I'm going to make space for knowing that my free time takes a lot of juggling to make it possible.
I still have hope though that one day this caregiver will find free time and love again!